Poets Corner

A little bit of a change from the norm?

Dennis Swift long time real ale imbiber puts pen to paper and muses lyrically about his home town Atherton, life in general and of course beer.....

After deciding to go out for a meal we somehow ended up at the Atherton beer festival,

good decision made.

A session at the Beer Bash

Me and my missus thought of going for a meal
But we were a little unsure so it wasn`t ideal
So instead of eating and spending cash
We thought we’d pay a visit to the Bent and Bongs beer bash.

We paid our admission and collected our glass
Then went through the doors to see drinkers amass.
Gagging for a pint and with my throat so dry

I went for a Bank Top as a starter to try.

The beer was so nice and was quenching my thirst.
It went down in a second, not bad for the first`
I tried many more from breweries unheard
But my eyes became heavy and my speech became slurred.

Later that evening my head was in spin
After several good bitters I didn`t know where I`d bin
Time to go home as enough was enough
No more real ale - it was really strong stuff!

I woke up this morning my head wasn`t right
Wish I hadn’t drank bitter last night
I couldn’t lift my head from the pillow
My body was limp like a weeping willow.

I bought fish n chips from a chip shop I seldom visit. The fish was mainly batter and the chips were greasy and ended up looking like mash potato. Needless to say, I didn't enjoy them plus they made me unwell.

Soggy Chips

I decided to have a trip around a few of the pubs to sample some of the beers on offer in my home town of Atherton.  Whilst I`m a Real Ale fan and the cream flow beers do nothing for me.

Pub-crawl in Atherton

Most brews in Atherton are not at their best

So I went on a pub crawl and put it to test

The beer in the Bluebell should come with a warning

If you sup it all night you`ll be bad in the morning.

I began at the Concert then moved onto the Rope

Not a Real Ale in sight and what I supped was like soap

So off to the Red Lion without any haste

For another pint of bitter without any taste.

I tried the Last Orders where a pint is a quid

You get what you pay for they cannot get rid

This smooth flow called beer is pure rubbish in a glass

Frothed up and made smooth by some nitrogen gas.

My palate was now desperate for a decent brewed malt

So the timing was right for a pint of Joe Holt

The Atherton Arms seemed like the place to be

As the beers I drank earlier were like drinking cold tea.

The Jolly Nailor was next and I stayed there all night

Because Real Ale they were serving and it was a bit of all right

A selection of beers from Allgates on cask

A drinker’s delight - what more could I ask?

The town of Atherton has seen many changes over the years and many businesses have closed down. The main center for shopping is Tesco. Market Street has no real interesting shops other than takeaways and second hand stores.

The fabled ghosts of Atherton

As the now fabled Ghosts of old Atherton town
sweep through the streets when the shutters are down
Once they roamed freely where shoppers did throng
Now it`s just Poundshops, kebab shops and push me along

They waltz around bins, and Market Street obstacle course
Around urined streaked doorways and the drunks out in force
Our town is oppressed by the out of town stores
As another old shop shuts and a pub`s closing its doors

But "Ambition is Critical" the council has decreed.
Their words, a target, where many have peed
By B&M Bargains a dog makes deposit or two
Whilst it`s earring wearing owner screams "Big Issue!" "Big Issue!"

Wiggin town council are running the rule
Proposals are set for closing our school
Objections are strong by the Atherton forum group
How much lower will Wiggin Metro stoop?

But with renewed hope we breathe life into our town
A quick break away from the Wiggin big stick clown
A council for Atherton is what we all need
No more Labour Councillors and their selfish personal greed.

JD Wetherspoons has a lot to answer for.  Took my car for repair and I had to catch the bus home, but before I did I could not resist a breakfast at Wetherspoons. Because it was so cold outside I decided to have a few beers.

Breakfast at Wetherspoons

My car’s been playing up this week and needs an urgent repair

So I booked it in the Vauxhall place and much to my despair

The price of putting things to right will cost an arm and a leg

It`s gonna take a massive chunk form my dwindling nest-egg

So I left my car and walked into town - it was only half past eight

The pavements were full of ice and I couldn’t walk that straight

I didn’t fancy the bus journey home to return mid afternoon

So I made way across the town to JD Wetherspoon

The pressure fell from my weary mind - I felt at home in there

So I ordered a big fat breakfast and a pint of real beer

The choice of beer was very good and I ordered a Christmas ale

Turkey`s Trauma seemed the perfect choice and the taste it didn’t fail

I was nice and comfortable sitting there and didn’t want to move

Another pint of real ale and I was really in the groove

With the feel-good factor kicking in comes an urgent desire for more

So it’s back to the bar for another pint of this beer I just adore

Well it`s coming up to dinner time and my wife is going frantic

Shouting at me down my phone about my latest antic

She said “you only went to Leigh and should be back at home”

But no one`s prising me away from my Wetherspoons pleasure dome

The time had come to make a move and brave the frosty air

It was a very difficult decision to leave my comfy chair

Across the road to catch the bus and go and face the wife

Another mess I got me in - it’s the story of my life

Road works and traffic lights have caused nothing but congestion in Atherton.  Getting out of town is a work of art. No fewer than eight sets of traffic signals occupy a short stretch of road.

The Piemen from Wiggin

Those pie men from Wiggin have ground us to a halt

The congestion caused in Atherton, they say is not their fault

Then who erected traffic lights at every sodding junction?

That same old fart from Wiggin, who`s brain just doesn’t function.

Those brainless old farts from Wiggin have left us in a mess

Getting out of Atherton is a nightmare at its best

Traffic lights and roundabouts my journey`s not worth while

It`s taken half an hour to travel half a mile.

I tried to go through Tyldesley and it`s just an absolute pain

All the way down Tyldesley Road is another waiting game

Traffic lights at Shackerley lane is the cause of more delays

Another bright idea from Wiggin who never cease to amaze

To add to all congestions we now have more diversions

The closing down of Hamilton Street will hamper our excursions

I think I`ll see a doctor and diagnosed myself with stress

And hang around doing nothing all day whilst the Piemen make a mess. 

I thought my eating habits had changed but I`m too fond of pies and would rather have one than a sandwich. If no pie available, then a portion of chips n fish are a good alternate.

The power of the pie

Whenever I get the urge to eat more healthy

 my diet seems to die

 No matter how hard I seem to try,

  I am grabbed by the power of the pie

The power of the pie is ruthless and mean

And my belly is bloated and looks obscene

There`s nothing I can do when resistance isn`t high

 But once again fall frail to the power of the pie

As I walked down the street I look at the fruit

I know I`ll end up with myself in dispute

As dinner time looms I`d love a sandwich surprise,

 But once again I`m overcome by the power of pies

I`ve tried hypnosis but that didn’t help,

 I tried acupuncture which simply made me yelp

I`ve tried many ways to reduce myself in size

 But I simply cannot resist the power of the pies

So now after treatment I believe that I am cured

And guaranteed to eat no pies of that I am assured.

But a bigger problem has resulted and I cannot get to grips,

I’m now in the grasp of the puddings and chips.

Eating habits have changed because of the many takeaway outlets offering various types of food which, years ago was not on the menu.

The Takeaway

You never will go hungry in this day and age

Not when takeaway shops are now all the rage.

Donner kebabs, and burgers, and don’t forget pies

And good old fish n chips (which they now call fries).

Sandwich shops, the odd Chinese

And shops selling pizzas, (ohhh there`s plenty of these).

Yet what about McDonald’s and a tasty McFlurry

A nice cool-me down after a hot Indian curry.

Our home-made food gets overlooked

In favor of meals which are already cooked.

And the old corner cafe that offered tea and toast

Is there anywhere left that offers Sunday roast?

But eating habits have changed unlike the olden days

Instead of cooking meals we go for takeaways.

High calorie food puts inches on the waist

But nobody cares one little bit because of its nice taste.

For a healthier option you could always try Subway

A glorified butty shop and more expensive they say.

But I’ve kissed goodbye to the takeaway shop

As my wife`s just made some Lobby with a tasty crust on top.

My son was caught by police whilst having a wee waiting for a taxi. I just thought I`d put pen to paper and write his experience with the law.

The Final Countdown (Relieving Together)

Relieving together

Behind the stairwell

There may be a splash back

My beige trousers look well

I don’t think there`s no one to blame

Relieving sound ( Relieving sound) Ahhhhhhh

Our trousers will not be the same again

They caught us with our pants down

Our trousers well down

Oh, I couldn’t find my penis

It usually stood tall

But policeman has seen us

And rollocked us all, yeah

With so many light beers to go

And pants on the ground ( on the ground)

I could not return with a wee stain on show

They caught us with our pants down

Our trousers well down

Our trousers well down  (well down)

Oh Oh….

Our trousers well down

Relieving together   oh oh

Facebook used properly is a fascinating application, but sometimes people use it for other purposes as explained in the rhyme above. Need I say any more?

Facebook

It`s a dangerous place is Facebook, they tell the world too much

From meeting complete strangers to old friends getting in touch.

Not only do they mention things that are relevant to self

They always seem to advertise everything on the shelf.

It’s a dangerous place is Facebook, when tagged in a photograph

 You should have been out working but you were out there having a laugh.

Your boss just happened to notice and now you`re no longer required

By advertising on Facebook you got yourself fired.

It’s a dangerous place is Facebook when you told the world a lie

Especially when your partner has said to you goodbye.

They caught you out whilst cheating when you should have been elsewhere

But Facebook told the world again you`re having an affair.

It’s a dangerous place is Facebook whilst sat behind a desk

It`s very easy to criticise by calling them grotesque.

The bitchiness begins with comments so unkind

It starts a nasty war of words and plays upon their mind.

It’s a dangerous place is Facebook when there isn’t much to tell

Some people are obsessive by saying all is well.

They blow their family up to be something that they`re not

Then someone passes comment with another parting shot,

It’s a dangerous place is Facebook please leave it well alone

You`re better off staying away from this nasty combat zone.

Put this idle chatter and bitchiness to boot

And save yourself more problems without being in dispute. 

Written after looking at the drinking habits of the younger element that never appear to have the liking for a real ale. Instead they much prefer to drink the cheap nasty Lagers opposed to the real Ale that`s on offer in most pubs today. 

Cheap alcohol

I sat in a pub watching the youngsters
Who stand with a bottle in hand
They think they look cool supping shite lager like fools
And this I can`t understand
They’re putting brewers out of business, only thinking of themselves
Please take my advice - I won’t ask you twice - leave the cheap nasty beer on the shelves

With all the good bitters now on offer
There`s nowt like a good real ale
Tell the landlady naaa to the Stella Artios
And ask for a nice Indian pale

Get rid of all cheap beer, because they`re like supping cold tea
After belching and farting and constant toilet darting cheap lagers are not quite for me

I hope you all had your lesson
To kick this cheap lager in touch
It’s a bloody high price for a tasteless bud ice
And they cost a little too much
For the very same price you can have two pints of Ale and that makes a nice change instead
It’s kind to your pocket and the prices don’t rocket and you don’t wake up with a bad head.

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