A little bit of a change from the norm?
Dennis Swift long time real ale imbiber puts pen to paper and muses lyrically about his home town Atherton, life in general and of course beer.....
After deciding to go out for a meal we
somehow ended up at the Atherton beer festival,
good decision made.
A session at the Beer Bash
Me and my missus thought
of going for a meal
But we were a little unsure so it wasn`t ideal
So instead of eating and spending cash
We thought we’d pay a visit to the Bent and Bongs beer bash.
We paid our admission and collected our glass
Then went through the doors to see drinkers amass.
Gagging for a pint and with my throat so dry
I went for a Bank Top as a starter to try.
The beer was so nice and was quenching my thirst.
It went down in a second, not bad for the first`
I tried many more from breweries unheard
But my eyes became heavy and my speech became slurred.
Later that evening my head was in spin
After several good bitters I didn`t know where I`d bin
Time to go home as enough was enough
No more real ale - it was really strong stuff!
I woke up this morning my head wasn`t right
Wish I hadn’t drank bitter last night
I couldn’t lift my head from the pillow
My body was limp like a weeping willow.
I bought fish n chips from a chip shop I seldom visit. The fish was mainly batter and the chips were greasy and ended up looking like mash potato. Needless to say, I didn't enjoy them plus they made me unwell.
I decided to have a trip around a few of the pubs to sample some of the beers on offer in my home town of Atherton. Whilst I`m a Real Ale fan and the cream flow beers do nothing for me.
Pub-crawl in Atherton
Most brews in Atherton are not at their best
So I went on a pub crawl and put it to test
The beer in the Bluebell should come with a warning
If you sup it all night you`ll be bad in the morning.
I began at the Concert then moved onto the Rope
Not a Real Ale in sight and what I supped was like soap
So off to the Red Lion without any haste
For another pint of bitter without any taste.
I tried the Last Orders where a pint is a quid
You get what you pay for they cannot get rid
This smooth flow called beer is pure rubbish in a glass
Frothed up and made smooth by some nitrogen gas.
My palate was now desperate for a decent brewed malt
So the timing was right for a pint of Joe Holt
The Atherton Arms seemed like the place to be
As the beers I drank earlier were like drinking cold tea.
The Jolly Nailor was next and I stayed there all night
Because Real Ale they were serving and it was a bit of all right
A selection of beers from Allgates on cask
A drinker’s delight - what more
could I ask?
The town of Atherton has seen many changes over the years and many businesses have closed down. The main center for shopping is Tesco. Market Street has no real interesting shops other than takeaways and second hand stores.
The fabled ghosts of Atherton
As the now fabled Ghosts of old Atherton town
sweep through the streets when the shutters are down
Once they roamed freely where shoppers did throng
Now it`s just Poundshops, kebab shops and push me along
They waltz around bins, and Market Street obstacle course
Around urined streaked doorways and the drunks out in force
Our town is oppressed by the out of town stores
As another old shop shuts and a pub`s closing its doors
But "Ambition is Critical" the council has decreed.
Their words, a target, where many have peed
By B&M Bargains a dog makes deposit or two
Whilst it`s earring wearing owner screams "Big Issue!" "Big Issue!"
Wiggin town council are running the rule
Proposals are set for closing our school
Objections are strong by the Atherton forum group
How much lower will Wiggin Metro stoop?
But with renewed hope we breathe life into our town
A quick break away from the Wiggin big stick clown
A council for Atherton is what we all need
No more Labour Councillors and their selfish personal greed.
JD Wetherspoons has a lot to answer for. Took my car for repair and I had to catch the bus home, but before I did I could not resist a breakfast at Wetherspoons. Because it was so cold outside I decided to have a few beers.
Breakfast at Wetherspoons
My car’s been playing up this week and needs an urgent repair
So I booked it in the Vauxhall place and much to my despair
The price of putting things to right will cost an arm and a leg
It`s gonna take a massive chunk form my dwindling nest-egg
So I left my car and walked into town - it was only half past eight
The pavements were full of ice and I couldn’t walk that straight
I didn’t fancy the bus journey home to return mid afternoon
So I made way across the town to JD Wetherspoon
The pressure fell from my weary mind - I felt at home in there
So I ordered a big fat breakfast and a pint of real beer
The choice of beer was very good and I ordered a Christmas ale
Turkey`s Trauma seemed the perfect choice and the taste it didn’t fail
I was nice and comfortable sitting there and didn’t want to move
Another pint of real ale and I was really in the groove
With the feel-good factor kicking in comes an urgent desire for more
So it’s back to the bar for another pint of this beer I just adore
Well it`s coming up to dinner time and my wife is going frantic
Shouting at me down my phone about my latest antic
She said “you only went to Leigh and should be back at home”
But no one`s prising me away from my Wetherspoons pleasure dome
The time had come to make a move and brave the frosty air
It was a very difficult decision to leave my comfy chair
Across the road to catch the bus and go and face the wife
Another mess I got me in - it’s the story of my life
Road works and traffic lights have caused nothing but congestion in Atherton. Getting out of town is a work of art. No fewer than eight sets of traffic signals occupy a short stretch of road.
The Piemen from Wiggin
Those pie men from Wiggin have ground us to a halt
The congestion caused in Atherton, they say is not their fault
Then who erected traffic lights at every sodding junction?
That same old fart from Wiggin, who`s brain just doesn’t function.
Those brainless old farts from Wiggin have left us in a mess
Getting out of Atherton is a nightmare at its best
Traffic lights and roundabouts my journey`s not worth while
It`s taken half an hour to travel half a mile.
I tried to go through Tyldesley and it`s just an absolute pain
All the way down Tyldesley Road is another waiting game
Traffic lights at Shackerley lane is the cause of more delays
Another bright idea from Wiggin who never cease to amaze
To add to all congestions we now have more diversions
The closing down of Hamilton Street will hamper our excursions
I think I`ll see a doctor and diagnosed myself with stress
And hang around doing nothing all day whilst the Piemen make a mess.
I thought my eating habits had changed but I`m too fond of pies and would rather have one than a sandwich. If no pie available, then a portion of chips n fish are a good alternate.
The power of the pie
Whenever I get the urge to eat more healthy
my diet seems to die
No matter how hard I seem to try,
I am grabbed by the power of the pie
The power of the pie is ruthless and mean
And my belly is bloated and looks obscene
There`s nothing I can do when resistance isn`t high
But once again fall frail to the power of the pie
As I walked down the street I look at the fruit
I know I`ll end up with myself in dispute
As dinner time looms I`d love a sandwich surprise,
But once again I`m overcome by the power of pies
I`ve tried hypnosis but that didn’t help,
I tried acupuncture which simply made me yelp
I`ve tried many ways to reduce myself in size
But I simply cannot resist the power of the pies
So now after treatment I believe that I am cured
And guaranteed to eat no pies of that I am assured.
But a bigger problem has resulted and I cannot get to grips,
I’m now in the grasp of the puddings and
Eating habits have changed because of the many takeaway outlets offering various types of food which, years ago was not on the menu.
You never will go hungry in this day and age
Not when takeaway shops are now all the rage.
Donner kebabs, and burgers, and don’t forget pies
And good old fish n chips (which they now call fries).
Sandwich shops, the odd Chinese
And shops selling pizzas, (ohhh there`s plenty of these).
Yet what about McDonald’s and a tasty McFlurry
A nice cool-me down after a hot Indian curry.
Our home-made food gets overlooked
In favor of meals which are already cooked.
And the old corner cafe that offered tea and toast
Is there anywhere left that offers Sunday roast?
But eating habits have changed unlike the olden days
Instead of cooking meals we go for takeaways.
High calorie food puts inches on the waist
But nobody cares one little bit because of its nice taste.
For a healthier option you could always try Subway
A glorified butty shop and more expensive they say.
But I’ve kissed goodbye to the takeaway shop
As my wife`s just made some Lobby with a tasty crust on top.
My son was caught by police whilst having a wee waiting for a taxi. I just thought I`d put pen to paper and write his experience with the law.
The Final Countdown (Relieving Together)
Behind the stairwell
There may be a splash back
My beige trousers look well
I don’t think there`s no one to blame
Relieving sound ( Relieving sound) Ahhhhhhh
Our trousers will not be the same again
They caught us with our pants down
Our trousers well down
Oh, I couldn’t find my penis
It usually stood tall
But policeman has seen us
And rollocked us all, yeah
With so many light beers to go
And pants on the ground ( on the ground)
I could not return with a wee stain on show
They caught us with our pants down
Our trousers well down
Our trousers well down (well down)
Our trousers well down
Relieving together oh oh
Facebook used properly is a fascinating application, but sometimes people use it for other purposes as explained in the rhyme above. Need I say any more?
It`s a dangerous place is Facebook, they tell the world too much
From meeting complete strangers to old friends getting in touch.
Not only do they mention things that are relevant to self
They always seem to advertise everything on the shelf.
It’s a dangerous place is Facebook, when tagged in a photograph
You should have been out working but you were out there having a laugh.
Your boss just happened to notice and now you`re no longer required
By advertising on Facebook you got yourself fired.
It’s a dangerous place is Facebook when you told the world a lie
Especially when your partner has said to you goodbye.
They caught you out whilst cheating when you should have been elsewhere
But Facebook told the world again you`re having an affair.
It’s a dangerous place is Facebook whilst sat behind a desk
It`s very easy to criticise by calling them grotesque.
The bitchiness begins with comments so unkind
It starts a nasty war of words and plays upon their mind.
It’s a dangerous place is Facebook when there isn’t much to tell
Some people are obsessive by saying all is well.
They blow their family up to be something that they`re not
Then someone passes comment with another parting shot,
It’s a dangerous place is Facebook please leave it well alone
You`re better off staying away from this nasty combat zone.
Put this idle chatter and bitchiness to boot
And save yourself more problems without being in dispute.
Written after looking at the drinking habits of the younger element that never appear to have the liking for a real ale. Instead they much prefer to drink the cheap nasty Lagers opposed to the real Ale that`s on offer in most pubs today.
I sat in a pub watching the youngsters
Who stand with a bottle in hand
They think they look cool supping shite lager like fools
And this I can`t understand
They’re putting brewers out of business, only thinking of themselves
Please take my advice - I won’t ask you twice - leave the cheap nasty beer on the shelves
With all the good bitters now on offer
There`s nowt like a good real ale
Tell the landlady naaa to the Stella Artios
And ask for a nice Indian pale
Get rid of all cheap beer, because they`re like supping cold
After belching and farting and constant toilet darting cheap lagers are not quite for me
I hope you all had your lesson
To kick this cheap lager in touch
It’s a bloody high price for a tasteless bud ice
And they cost a little too much
For the very same price you can have two pints of Ale and that makes a nice change instead
It’s kind to your pocket and the prices don’t rocket and you don’t wake up with a bad head.
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